Hey Alice! Good news! I think I am finding your voice after leaving you muted for so long. I genuinely do believe things happen for a reason, and it’s via some recent – and very random – conversations that I have started to see the light when it comes to how I’ve hesitated with you. Just like with Frenemy, it took a little digging to work out what my problem with you was and where it stemmed from. And just like with Frenemy, I think you and I can now move on to a much better place.
See, I couldn’t face creating a life for you that had flaws or gaps. I had some built-in brake that prevented me from writing because some inner voice had me thinking it had to be perfect and print ready immediately. It doesn’t have to be! So today is the day! I cannot wait to go on this journey with you. Sure, the journey is YOURS, not mine, but although Monica doesn’t mess me up like she does you, I’m your travel companion here. Your map reader, if you will. We may end up taking the wrong turn or two, but we’re going to go from start to finish and if we need to we can re-draw the route as many times as we like.
Some things are still a little fuzzy. Like, for example, Tom. I haven’t quite decided whether he is an emotionally unavailable arsehole or your devoted boyfriend, the latter meaning of course that you’d be a bit of an arsehole (sorry). Alice, you’re getting more complex, flawed, beautiful and real for each day and I think now we’re as ready as we’ll ever be to let you spring to life.
As it happens, I am feeling quite tired today, didn’t sleep too well for some reason. Yesterday was productive, and LONG. I could have easily stayed in bed for a couple of hours after B left for work, but as soon as he’d closed the front door behind him, I rolled out of bed and for the past couple of hours I’ve really just faffed around. Tidied up a bit, read a little, organised my little writing space with all these endless writing tools – only now, the only tool I actually need is this laptop, so I think this will just have to be when I stop delaying the inevitable.
Isn’t it great when an ominous word like ‘inevitable’ carries positive – even amazing – connotations? Love it!
So today’s writing… I’ve got some great ideas, and there’s no reason why I can’t pick them at random, go with the one that on whatever day speaks to me the most. Today I am between Alice being in Sweden to find a connection with Monica, and the if-Tom’s-a-devoted-boyfriend scenario and have him let you know he wants a family with you or that’s it. Oh yes, you messed-up chick, you are the flaky one here, unwilling to go down the motherhood route because of your difficult background. It’ll be great.
Gosh, I’m really giving you a lot of shit to deal with, but I promise you’re going to come out the other end all the better for it and I think I’ll even let you find peace. Well, almost. I can’t promise you all the things you need, but I do guarantee you that you’ll be less unsettled than you are right now.
I’ve found some great blogs too, to help me with some research so I can make it all believable. One concerning depression and one around breast cancer. Hah! Didn’t I tell you I was giving you a really hard time? I promise to let you stay healthy though, mind and body, I’m just going to screw with some of the people closest to you. For a while I toyed with the idea of giving John a heart attack, but I’ve grown to like him so much I think I’ll just let you two fall out in a spectacular manner before letting you ride off into the sunset. No, no – not as lovers – he’s almost 80 years old for heaven’s sake, so that’d just be plain weird, but you two do need to end up in a good place. A very unlikely duo, two very unlikely best friends.
So. How about we go with Tom being a lovely boyfriend? The Tom I initially created is such a tosser I can’t find it within myself to let him take up any space, I dislike him too much and also he doesn’t quite work in combination with you, I can’t make it believable that an intelligent and complex girl like you would ever go there. Nah, we’ll go with Nice Tom to your Flaky Alice. That way also, I don’t need to go all controversial with a pregnancy scare and/or a miscarriage or similar. You can be messed up and a little pathetic without being too awful. Better that way, because no matter how flawed you are, lovely Alice, I ultimately want to show what a beautiful person you are. Especially given your circumstances.
As for Monica, we won’t let anyone know the truth, but I promise to whisper it to you after our journey so you won’t have to wonder anymore. I owe you that much after all I’m about to put you through.
So, let’s go!