This morning I was too busy getting ready, so this is B’s morning pages!
Im looking forward to today, even though I’m feeling a biy rough. And tired. But in a funny kind of mood, just like I felt when we drove into the carpark at Westfield yesterday. A bit of the devil comes out in me at these times and i like it. Anif hasn’t been looking forward to today, and for the reasons that I love her so much. Full of self esteem, comfortable in her own skin, positive and cheery – but not a social creature. I knew this, but was not aware of the strength of her uncomfortableness in these situations until yesterday. But hats off to her, she has put that behind her and is approaching the day with a new found energy and determination. Perhaps this beautiful creature I have come to love and adore so much has reframed the situation and is positive about the prospects of the day ahead. Or maybe her new found confidence comes from the kick-ass clothes beought yesterday on our Crazy Hour at Westfield yesterday, knowing that she will look utterly fabulous on the outside to match that fabulous person on the inside.
I worry a lot, and that worries me. My mum, bless her, is not happy unless there is something to worry about so I guess I get that from her. So this morning I was thinking about a few things at work and the day tomorrow. Will it rain today? Will meeting David and Karen at the Polo be a complete disaster? Will we get there on time? Blah, blah, blah. I’ve learned from Anif to take a lot more in my stride over the past year, to chill more, to learn things will turn out OK. The bit about my worrying that scares me though is when I get these dark moods – when I do it seems that I manage to find bits to pick about and put a negative spin on them, for no good reason. It becomes a downward spiral and makes me someone I’m not, or at least someone I don’t want to be. Yesterday morning was a light bulb moment, when I actually recognised what I had been doing over the past week or so, stopped checked myself. When I thought about why it was happening, there was no good reason; and I realised how much it was affecting Anif too, and turning her off. So i made a commitment to stop, reframe, and immediately this mood lifted. I felt so positive and alive, no burdens, no unreasonable thoughts. I reelised that, fuck me, she loves me, get a grip, understand it. Maybe I’ve just always felt I’m not worh loving, but maybe I am, and it has taken 47 years and a magical year with Anif to find that out.
And now mine, even though it’s evening pages…..
Now, that’s better – perched out here on the balcony with a glass of wine next to me. No, it’s not the ‘morning’ (do pull me back from the brink of alcoholism if it ever goes that far), but we had a busy day, hence I made B write for 20 minutes during what was ACTUALLY the morning, above. Today was another instance of realising I am NOT necessarily the things I have myself pegged as. We went to a polo match in Cirencester and beforehand I was dreading it so much I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go at all. As with any social gathering, however, I found that not only was it bearable, but it was enjoyable even.
A small victory perhaps, but a victory nonetheless.
And so, after a fun day out (again!), we get back to our beloved Chiswick, this quiet and leafy pocket of west London right by the river. We took our leftovers inside, put what was left of our picnic into the fridge and headed to our local across the road. Ordered our usuals. B put it exactly that way to the barmaid, and you know you are there too often when they know your tipple like that. A moment later, we headed into the garden with precisely those – our usuals – and went to find a table.
There he was. Or maybe she, I’m not sure which, but he or she was a Leonberger. It was like a stab to my heart, remembering Puppy, my mother’s dog, who only passed to pastures new in dog heaven about a year ago. The most wonderful companion you could ever imagine. And tonight, at our local, I choked back tears seeing that dog. Let’s assume it was a “he”. The moment I clocked him, I stopped short and felt my heart kind of seize up a little. Walked through the beer garden, but I needed of course to go past this beautiful animal.
It was as if he knew, I swear. I tried so hard to keep my emotions intact and to myself, but as we walked past the table where he was with his family, he kept my gaze throughout. When I was just right by him, he looked up at me, pulled forward to smell the fingertips I tearfully reached out, and to me it almost felt like he was giving me that little bit of love my mother’s Puppy always did. Like saying “hey, I’ve got you.”
He wasn’t a thorough bred, but nor was Puppy. Puppy had a bit of German Shepherd in him, so he had a leaner appearance than your average Leonberger – slimmer and with a longer nose. This one looked a little similar but smaller than Puppy was. But it reminded me once again, how I’m not ready for a dog. It takes the strength of King Kong to welcome a companion and family member who you have to bid adieu to in 10-12 years’ time. How my mother got through losing Puppy, I’ll never get.
So, for now, I’ll stick with those I know will stick around for a little longer.
B and Monkey. They’re all I need. These two stinky, annoying boys who make my heart sing by being stinky and annoying alone, never mind all those other things they do that delight me. B and I always had a wonderful relationship, but it seems to be getting even stronger now. I think that springs from little things that have surfaced along the way and how we talk everything through. Things that may break others only make us stronger. It should be illegal to be this happy, to have a partner this great.
Anna isn’t easy to live with, but then perhaps neither is B. Or even Monkey! None of us are! It’s all in the chemistry though, how we fit together, and OMG this little unit is one made in heaven. How I love that B and Monkey have “Man Chats” last time at night. How I love that B and I don’t pass each other without a kiss or cuddle or at the very least reaching out to touch each other. I just couldn’t have it any better than I do.