This week wasn’t as great as the one before it, when I smashed my weekly target for Alice and got incredible words of encouragement and praise from my could-be-agent as a result. This week I seemed to get a bit stuck again. 2200 words came shooting out in a joyful burst at the weekend, but then I was back to finding a million other things to do. Come Friday, I was still at those 2200 words for the week and I pinged the could-be-agent a sheepish e-mail telling her I’ll check in with her next week instead. I had my weekly session with R, however, and again she saved my sorry arse by helping me remove the blocks I’d placed in my own path.
The result? I did hit my target and the 5000 words I knocked out yesterday afternoon weren’t just something I was pleased with – like the rest of what I’ve produced over the past few weeks, I was absolutely thrilled with it, with the scenes and storylines that seemed to pour out from my fingertips once I’d found that place of joy again. All it took was B, this amazing life partner and soul mate I am fortunate enough to call my best friend. We’re simply unbeatable, and it seems that no matter what the world throws at us, we come out stronger and stronger. No arguments, no niggles. The worst we’ve had have been a couple of misunderstandings that had us both feeling insecure and confused, but even those were solved quickly and we just felt closer as a result. I am under no illusion in terms of the incredible hand the universe has dealt me.
I had one of my super energetic mornings, plus Monkey is with us, so it’s only now that my two boys are watching football that I found a quiet moment to myself to write these morning pages. Every so often they end up being afternoon pages, and once or twice I’ve sat down to write last thing at night and forced myself. I’m too OCD to miss a day.
I sometimes make a point of stopping in my tracks to reflect over all the things I have in my life, and it’s during those moments I feel such gratitude that life somehow seems surreal. I’ve always been of a sunny disposition and it takes a hell of a lot to get me down, I think I get it from my father, who is almost unbearably positive and pragmatic. But it’s true. Even things that have happened in my life, I view as lessons and valuable experiences – every cloud does have a silver lining. It’s just that any cloud that appears in my sky tends to be silver throughout. Or gold, even.
My family – this huge bunch of people who are so incredible, if I weren’t bound to them by blood, each and every last one of them would be people I’d admire and would want as my close friends. How lucky I am, to be able to say they are MINE! My son – there aren’t words to describe how much joy and pride I feel, being able to call myself his mum. My partner – my best friend and the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life, there is no one I look up to and admire more. My friends – gosh, what a great crew they are, this group of people I love to bits.
I think it’s important to also recognise the bad things, it’s just that I seem to be wired in a way that makes it very hard for me to see them in the first place, and if I do, I can’t seem to dwell on those things. Why on earth would I? I’m sure I could find fault with myself – I’m a girl, of course I have insecurities and complexes – and get down because I don’t have a glossy Hollywood mane but rather look like the Lion King. So what? I like my long, messy and very unruly hair. I could focus on my big, round backside and fret that I don’t have a cute and bony little size 6 bottom. So what? It’s shapely and I sit very comfortably, even though it’s big enough to affect the tide. And I could probably go to the dentist and demand straighter and whiter teeth. So what? I have a great smile and I smile a LOT.
Beyond that, I could concentrate on my bad qualities – I am insecure, I’m shy, I’m a bit of an introvert and I’m too emotional. I think it’s important to know, recognise and understand your own shortcomings, but at the end of the day it should only serve as a tool to try harder to be the best you can be. I don’t get it right every time by any means, but I have yet to approach anything in life with anything other than good intentions, from a place of joy and with a healthy dose of empathy for those around me.
I’m not perfect and I never will be. But I have always chosen to see the best in everything, and that includes myself as well as everyone else. That means that I at times have been disappointed, and at times I have retaliated, but I will continue to try hard (or harder) to meet hate with love, cold with warmth and spite with ……OK, perhaps I’ll tease back. Sometimes I just can’t help myself and turning the other cheek endlessly sometimes only gives you a very sore neck.
At the end of the day, I do believe your own attitude dictates much of your life quality. The more you can find it within yourself to feel gratitude for what you are blessed with, the more things you will find to be grateful for, just like if you allow anger and bitterness to rule your heart, your life will soon take that shape as a result. So there’s yet another thing to add to the insanely long list when I stop for a moment to count my blessings – my father’s positive outlook on life that I have inherited. I only have to close my eyes for a second, to hear the sound of him laughing, the sound of his voice when he tells all those endless jokes.