Sleep Deprivation and Tampon Advertisers

Last night was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. B and had to get up at 2.30am local time in Sweden to get to the airport for our flight back to London in time, which meant the four-hour drive from Falla to Gothenburg. We got back home mid-afternoon after stopping off for lunch on the way from shitty, shitty Stansted where we were – like on our way out – met by the worst people in Essex and a few select others who also fit into the Human Decay category. Having been up since 1.30am UK time, we were both red-eyed and almost spaced out. Add a flight with shitty-shitty Ryan Air and you could say we were both drained, despite happy and content after a really wonderful little break.

We toyed with the idea of a nap, but decided to soldier through and instead go to bed really early, like eight o’clock, in order to make up for our sleep deprivation. Didn’t quite work out, but we snuggled up at around 10, which is still pretty good. Turns out drinking coffee when you’re spaced out from lack of sleep is NOT a good thing to do. We both fidgeted a little, I tried to read to make myself sleepy, but nothing worked. At around 11 I gave up. B seemed to finally have dozed off, so I snuck out of bed, grabbed my Kindle and relocated to the sofa where I could read without disturbing B having the light on. I figured there was no point in the both of us suffering, and there was just no way I could sleep. To add to my voes, I’d also come under siege by the period cramps from hell, to the point where I wanted to reach inside my body, yank out my uterus and throw it at someone.

Sum total: after getting three hours’ of sleep the night before, I ended up getting about two hours’ sleep last night, after finally getting really sleepy around 3.30am (and having finished the book I was only half way through) and crawling into bed again. I also have a bit of a cold, so today it’s fair to say I’m not feeling on top.

I have no idea why, but period cramps seem so much worse over the past five years or so. I never used to suffer much, would just get a dull but hardly noticeable ache the day before, but never enough to stop me going for a run or going out or doing anything else I might fancy. I mentioned it to my doctor, as I seem to get it really bad in my lower back around ovulation, but she assured me I’m not dying of ovarian cancer (I’m a hypochondriac and this was one of the possible options I’d googled and put to her) or anything else. She did mention that although not medical fact, she had had other patients with the same complaint. Perhaps it’s just getting to the end of your fertility? Mother Nature giving you rougher signals to get a move on and reproduce while you still can?

I’m done though, thank you very much. Very happy with Monkey.

Funnily, I am these days very organised with my periods, I even have an app telling me when I’m due, when I’m ovulating and so on. I’ve never ever kept track before in my life, which I know you should but I never bothered. A friend showed it to me, and I suspect it’s useful if you’re planning to get knocked up, but it’s quite good to check when you’re due. For ovulation, the calendar is marked with a flower. Oh, B has the app too. For good reason. I have what I can only describe as a hearty sexual appetite, but on Flower Day I get the raging horn and turn into a sexual deviant/offender. B is not allowed to be away or out on Flower Day. I suspect he also tries to avoid me and coldheartedly schedules in business trips around the days marked with a cute pink little tab (why not violent splashes of blood, I ask? What’s with this incessant urge from tampon advertisers or anything period related to make it cute? IT’S NOT!). Well. It’s quite useful to have an app to warn us both when I’ll be extra crazy horny and extra crazy moody, even if its purpose strictly speaking might have been for chicks wanting to conceive.

When we were driving to Gothenburg – trying our best not to fall asleep – we were coming up with ideas for really useful apps. We were both shite at it though, which is a shame as apps are fairly simple to develop and get on to iTunes and often it can be the simplest ideas at the right time that become hugely successful. Perhaps part of the problem is that the world of apps has exploded over the course of a few years already, that you now have an app for absolutely everything. My favourite is Citymapper, super useful for getting the best routes around London. YPlan is pretty good too, although I have yet to use it beyond checking the listings for quirky nights out. Aside from that I’ve mostly got the news apps – BBC, Independent, Huff Post and so on – a handful of recipe apps and a bunch of games that Monkey has downloaded.

Maybe Monkey, come to think of it, would be good at coming up with a winning idea? Kids don’t over think or over complicate things the way we do. Oooohhhhhhh and on the subject of my gorgeous little Monkey man, we’re going to an open day at a high school tomorrow. It’s meant to be the best one around here and his head mistress (who is also the mother of one of Monkey’s best friends) spoke very highly of it. She also recommended we look into a grammar school she advised us is brilliant and would be suitable for top-of-his-year-group Monkey.

I know, I know – I’m an obnoxious parent, but I can’t help it. I’m sure they must have handed me the wrong baby and this is why I’m the mother of a kid so freaking awesome I could just weep with pride and joy. Well, sometimes I do. And I ain’t giving him back.


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