Well, I can say with absolute conviction that this was the worst night’s sleep EVER. As I knew I would, I startled myself awake by turning to B’s side of the bed and in my sleep going to put my arm around him only for my arm to hit the empty space on his side of the bed. Woke up almost in shock, jerked and sat up in bed looking around me for a few seconds before my disoriented mind remembered that he’s away. It’s the worst feeling. And after that I just couldn’t go back to sleep.
Turned and fluffed the pillows and tried to find a comfortable position but couldn’t. The discomfort at not touching B – even if it had only meant putting my foot against his legs when turned away from him – was too great. Tossed and turned, but nothing worked. It was half three in the morning and in the end I just gave up on staring at the ceiling and switched the light on. Grabbed my phone and wanted to message B but figured it might wake him up so browsed the news instead, randomly checked various things on Facebook, even went in on iBooks to see if I could find something light to read that might make my eyes tired.
Nothing worked, so got up and sat in the livingroom for a while, writing some stuff on Alice that I now have scrapped. Got back to bed just after 4am but was properly awake so decided to get back to the book I’ve been reading. It’s my favourite book and although I can’t actually put my finger on what exactly it is about it that fascinates me so much – I first read it as a teenager and over the years I must have read it from cover to cover at least 20 times – I’m right into it again for the umpteenth time: ‘And I Don’t Want To Live This Life‘ by Deborah Spungen.
Finally, at about 5.30am, I started to get sleepy, so switched off the light and drifted off to sleep. At 8am the doorbell went and I bounced up – I bought a watch for B’s youngest son for his birthday and it was being delivered. The one time you kinda hope something will be delivered at the back end of the time slot they give you. Scrambled for B’s dressing gown, cursing under my breath that I hadn’t put at least a t-shirt and trackie bottoms within reach, and signed for it.
Thank God B is coming back today, I truly hate it when he’s away. It’s not bad on days like today when I know he’s on his way back. The real killer is knowing I’ll be going to bed without him, knowing I’ll wake up because he’s not there and then waking up in that huge bed without my baby next to me. It sucks horse cock in a big way.
So today is a much better day than yesterday! It’s a beautiful morning, the sun’s out and the air is carrying that crisp autumn chill, so I’m going to head out for a long walk – probably my favourite loop around the bridges – shortly. Other than that I don’t have anything planned aside from the usual – clearing up, doing some laundry, getting some writing done and generally going about my business.
Missing Monkey, of course, but we now have Skype! Sometimes I don’t like how tech savvy he is at such a tender age, but at other times it’s only a good thing. Seeing his little happy face, excitedly chattering away about school and stuff, made my day and given it’s Wednesday I only have two more sleeps to endure without my sunshine. At the weekend we’re heading up to Leicester to see B’s boys who are both at uni there. We’re going on Sunday, which is his youngest one’s birthday, and I’m looking forward to seeing them – they’re great kids. Who knows what they think about me, but I’d never expect them to feel thrilled at the idea of A) their parents getting divorced, or B) their dad moving on with a girlfriend much younger than their mum. Well. Regardless. I’m sure they wouldn’t be any more thrilled if I was ten years older.
Seeing Monkey, when I otherwise would only be hearing his gorgeous, cheery voice on the phone, is so lovely. Those big, blue eyes. That happy smile. That lovely little being I can’t believe is my son. I’m so lucky. How is it that the absolute best people on the planet happen to be my family and friends? I feel gratitude every single day.
For me, it’s easier – I absolutely adore Monkey’s stepmum. Not that I have met her more than a handful of times and those only really involved a ‘hi’ and ‘how are you’, but I know what I see in my young son, who clearly loves her very much. To be fair, that’s all I need to know, and I hope she sticks around. Well, given she’s now my ex’s fiance, she should be around forever and given how much Monkey likes her that can only be a good thing. And it was also easier for me, because I was the one to leave and therefore it was only a relief when my ex finally moved on.
It’s 8.30am and I am counting the hours. B’s flight is scheduled to land at 7:45pm, so 12 hours from now I hope I’ll be kissing my best friend.