Gorgeous morning! I do love autumn. B is at the gym at his usual Saturday morning body pump class, Monkey on the sofa playing his Xbox and me in the bedroom typing away and writing my morning pages as a break from Alice.
Had so many weird dreams last night and sometimes I do wonder if there are messages in there, it often fascinates me what my subconscious mind comes up with, mostly because a lot of the time it makes no sense whatsoever. So I dreamt that B and I were out for a run, and for some insane reason took a break to shower and eat at my Ex’s place. What the fuck? In my dream I was anxious to get out of there, but B took his time having breakfast and his running clothes were scattered all over a little hallway in this place that seemed to be made up of little narrow corridors leading to various rooms. May I add that I’ve not been inside the house where my Ex resides with his fiance, but I doubt it looks anything like that.
Suddenly Monkey is there too, me still keen to get out, and Monkey is nagging me about something. I keep telling him no and to get his shoes on so we can leave, when he bursts into tears and charges down one of the little corridors, calling for my Ex’s fiance “can you cuddle me please” (a phrase he used to come out with when he was perhaps four or five and would come into my bedroom at night after a nightmare, wanting to sleep next to me) all the while sobbing his heart out. What an awful image – me upsetting him by being strict and her being the one he’s running to for comfort. I go after Monkey, feeling bad, and we get to a bedroom where his stepmum is getting ready for a night out. I try to explain why I have said no to Monkey, but she only gives me a weird look and I feel even worse.
Now, in real life, I have no issue with Monkey running to her for comfort – I know she is the lovelies stepmum I could ever have hoped for Monkey to have and I am very grateful for her. I know she treats him like her own and I know he adores her. That’s only wonderful. I think it was just that in the dream I was upsetting him and he preferred her, and that was upsetting. Woke up and still had that feeling lingering. However, it dissolved as soon as I walked into the living room and immediately got a hug and an ‘I love you’ from Monkey, along with being told how he’d missed me and B.
Because my dreams are sometimes so weird, even absurd, I’ve given up on trying to make sense of them but it’s still interesting. Perhaps last night’s dream rooted in my insecurities – Monkey is the most important thing in the world to me, and perhaps all parents have this in-built guilt and anxiety that we might not be good enough? Who knows.
He’s growing so big, tall and lanky, my blond little soldier. To think that one day I’ll be the one whose shoulder fits snugly under his armpit as opposed to the other way around, is scary!
I also had a dream that had me waking up with a start, which involved a big spider charging out from underneath the sofa. Eurgh. It was really clear too, I can still visualise the dream spider and it makes me shudder. I’m terrified of the filthy fucking things. Mother Hen advised that conkers placed around the house keeps them out, so they’re everywhere, even though I’ve only ever seen two spiders in here. One fairly large one in the livingroom and had me screaming so loud the neighbours probably thought someone was being murdered, and which I killed by a well aimed Superga. Bleh.
The second wasn’t as big but it was bad enough – think it might have somehow found its way into the jumper I was putting on, as it crawled out on my tummy as I had the top half way over my head. Death by a well placed catalogue. There aren’t words for how much I hate them. Beyond putting conkers everywhere, I also got spider repellent spray and have doused windows, doorways and every nook and cranny with it, as well as these spider traps with some glue. I almost hope no potential creepy crawlies get stuck in those though, or B will be on removal duty, because they freak me out as much when they’re dead as when they’re alive.
Not sure what it is about them. I suppose they just look evil. And they are so fast. Cockroaches don’t disgust me in the same way, nor am I freaked out by snakes, although having said that I wouldn’t particularly want to be near one of those either. There’s this film, probably from the late 80s or early 90s, called Arachnophobia. Jesus, I should never have watched it but did. I remember scenes where the nasty things JUMPED. One particularly disgusting scene where someone was photographing what appeared to be a dead tarantula, only for the devil thing to lunge and jump up to the lense. Aaaaaaarrgghhhhhhh!
I need to think about something else, I’m all shivery and jumpy now. Evil devil critters.