Orange Porn Stars and Fish Wives

Oh my gaaaaawd! Proudlock has turned into a bastard! I don’t think anyone watches Made in Chelsea to learn about great human qualities – there’s only a handful of people on there who are slightly better than human decay, but Proudlock used to be one of the nice(r) ones. Last night I swiftly went from having once thought he was one of the not-quite-so-awful ones to scrunching up my nose as I discovered he’s an undercover Spencer. A Spencer without the moobs and instead with that ridiculous ponytail that he probably believes is ever so cool.

Last night was also different because, for the first time ever I almost felt sorry for orange little Louise with the fake accent. She would never qualify for wearing white at her wedding, having spread her legs more often than a low budget porn star with a lot of bills, but in her defence she’s no worse than serial shagger Spencer with the moobs (who amuses me because he’s just like David Brent – again, a low budget version to match orange little Louise’s low budget porn star) or that awful manchild Jamie. Jamie, who was once just like Proudlock one of the not-quite-so-awful ones.

So orange little Louise went to NYC and bagged herself the cheesiest, most unattractive, most obnoxious and most ridiculous yank she could find. The poor research team and producers must have searched high and low to scrape up such a poor excuse for a human being from some Manhattan backstreet gutter. He is so cringe worthy I feel ill watching him, so I hope they send him packing soon. I mean, Made in Chelsea is cringe worthy to begin with – that’s its whole premise – and you know as soon as you sit down to watch that you’ll feel embarrassed for them all, but Alik Snakeface takes the biscuit. The biscuit being orange little Louise in this case, and any chance he gets, he eats her face. I’ve never in my life witnessed a screen kiss so unappealing. It’s too gross to stomach and I have to cover my eyes each time or I’d risk frigidity.

So this slimy creep has alledgedly cheated on the orange thing. Normally I would probably have dismissed it as Karma, as the orange mini-slut sleeps around like sex is going out of fashion, but I actually felt sorry for her. To be honest, I don’t know what made me feel the most pity – that the slimeball had hooked up with someone else, or that the script forced her to be with him in the first place. Poor soul. One day she’ll wake up to the fact that showing the whole country that you have loose morals doesn’t lay the best foundations for building a credible career once people have lost interest in this cheap and tacky reality show.

And then Proudlock of course, who fell from grace. He managed to bag the lovely Lucy Watson, who seems to be fairly alone in having any kind of moral compass and intelligence, only to sleep around. What an absolute fool. So he took a massive tumble down several pegs in my estimation and now he’s crawling around in the murky bottom mud with the likes of Spencer ‘Mooby Dick’ Matthews, Manchild Jamie and orange little Low Budget Louise. Why, oh why.

The highlight of last night’s show was watching Victoria the Serpent being set up on a date, which was terrifying in itself to the point where I wanted to sleep with the lights on once it was time for bed. How any man would want to even be seen with her is beyond me, I would have thought the idea would make any red-blooded male’s bollocks shrivel up and rot. Then again the guy who turned up seemed every bit as vacuous as she is.

What’s your modus operandi?” she hissed.

He didn’t understand the term.

I speak fluent Latin,” she added, as conceited as ever.

Now, if she was fluent in Latin, she’d know it’s not pronounced “modus operand-AI” but rather “modus operand-EE”, based on the fact that it is indeed LATIN, which doesn’t have English pronounciation. Stupid fkn cow. That made me laugh out loud, but perhaps this personality void buffoon was impressed because instead of fleeing the field, like any self respecting human being would, he stuck around, goofy grin on his strange caricature face that’s made all the more creepy due to the lack of light in his eyes. Eesh.

Whatever next? Louise taking a vow of celibacy? Spencer suddenly appearing intelligent? I shudder to think what’s in store next, but still on my list of not-quite-so-awful ones are the lovely Lucy Watson, Stevie, Andy Jordan, Cheska and Fran (although they are unbelievable annoying – fish wives at best, but harmless and pretty bland as opposed to vile). Oh, and Binky’s new date, he seems OK. Binky I used to like until she turned into a wet wipe over that twat Alex with the Lego hair, what a pathetic pushover.

If Lucy Watson ever leaves, my Monday nights will have to be filled with something else.

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