Sometimes I feel so torn when B asks me for advice around his still on-going divorce. Ironically, I seem to be the last person to hold any sort of hope that his Ex will turn around and put down her arsenal, but I still want to believe that this lady might find it within herself to stop the hatred, the quest for vengeance and the desire to cause harm. I have enough faith in humanity still to believe it might happen.
Yesterday, after almost a year and a half of a fortune spent on lawyers to communicate even on the smallest and most insignificant of matters, he wrote to her, one last attempt att bringing this mess to a conclusion in a dignified manner. Whereas he seems resigned to the fact that the viciousness and vindictiveness won’t stop, along with family and friends being of the same opinion, there is part of me that believes there is hope. The ridiculous thing of course, is that his Ex has pushed herself into a corner, whereby if it does indeed end up in court, she will come away with less than B has on numerous occasions offered. Even his lawyer is in shock at the shambles presented by his Ex and her lawyer, the contradictions and blatant disregard for what in the end was an actual Court Order.
So when he asked me if he should go ahead, adding he felt it was pointless based on her appalling, disgusting behaviour to date, I encouraged him. Perhaps if she sees that he is reaching out, she may just pull back and recognise that there is right and wrong, and perhaps – just maybe – see the light. I felt that she might have backed herself into a corner from which it would be very difficult to emerge, knowing herself she’s gone too far but being too angry, stubborn and spiteful to pull back. So if B reached out, perhaps she’d feel more able to do something to rectify the awful mess she’s caused. The mess that largely will only affect her. All it’s caused B really is annoyance that he is still tied to a person he has come to despise.
Perhaps my sympathy for this lady comes from wondering what it must be like to live your life that way, when your focus is to tear down, destroy and harm. Where any consideration for others, even your children, has been clouded by anger and bitterness. How can you live a life ruled by a black heart? Dominated by greed and selfishness and a wish to ruin others, how must you feel each morning? It makes me shudder, but more so, it makes me feel so sad for her.
Because it’s dragged on for so long and we’re too busy living our life to spend much time thinking about it, yesterday was a bit of an exception in light of B’s letter to his Ex, with us both talking it over and trying to figure out what might drive her, what might motivate her to let her hatred cloud all judgement and morals she might otherwise have somehow held. When we looked back over the past year and a half, it seemed there was a clear turning point. Not that she was ever warm towards B – according to him, anyway – and the greed, misguided sense of entitlement and selfishness were always there, but it was once I came on the scene that she turned nasty for real.
The twists and turns in this sorry saga have been so many, and so utterly needless. In the beginning, she messaged B to say she’d had a random one night stand and thought she was pregnant (she’s in her late 40s – go figure). When that failed to get a reaction (beyond us falling about laughing) from B, she notified him on what would have been their wedding anniversary that she had finally filed for divorce (after B had urged her to do so for months). Still no reaction from B, so she proceeded to help herself to thousands of pounds from his account for various purchases ranging from new white ware for the house (that they would need to sell anyway, so only to cause grief with additional, pointless expense) to nipple tassles (because of course a woman who relays to her sons she’s ever so embarrassed of her appearance will go out and sleep with randoms and do burlesque – obviously!). Each time I sat here, thinking there must be a side to her story, yet my chin was on the floor, B shaking his head in disbelief.
Fast forward well over a year and added to the list is stealing, lying, a threat of an injunction and other con tricks that have saddened not just B, but by this stage also me, friends and family, both B’s and mine. All so pointless and unnecessary.
I wish I could wave a magic wand over her, that would remove the red mist and make her look at the world through new eyes – an honest, kind and most of all generous Ex-Husband who wants to provide for her. Perhaps not to the extent she WANTS (she wants to have everything, and ideally to the point where B’s life is ruined) but certainly so that she’ll have everything she NEEDS. But such an argument holds no water with somebody who doesn’t feel gratitude for what they have been given and the life they’ve had, who only wants to cause hurt and has some deluded sense of entitlement despite never lifting a finger to pull their own weight. I wish there was such a magic wand though, because if only she stopped for a moment and realised that her happiness isn’t dependent on others’ misfortune, this wouldn’t have been where we find ourselves now.
Perhaps she’s now hurtling too fast on this runaway train she’s created, she feels unable to stop it. So he reached out one last time in the hope she may come to her senses. I hope that happens, I hope this sad story doesn’t have to have a conclusion as ugly as what’s been before. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny part of her that will see that.
Or, he’ll get the usual venom in response, perhaps another threat, perhaps another lie, perhaps another disgusting con trick. Hah! Ironically, it seems that everyone but me, his new partner of all people, have written her off as a cancerous growth that they can’t wait to have cut out of all our lives. Still, I have faith.
If you live your life looking at the world with spite, hatred and bitterness, going through it feeling shortchanged, the world will soon start to appear that way. And I am so, so grateful I’ve never experienced that, so glad that I wake up each morning feeling joy and gratitude. I wish the same for B’s Ex – sometimes miracles do happen.