The Fonz and Blue Contact Lenses

Just as I thought – what felt like the beginnings of a cold about to knock me out, just went as quickly as it seemed to descend on me as usual. I only ever start to get a cold – only rarely does one properly break out. Still a bit of a sniffle going on today, but feeling miles better. By the time B got home last night, I had a temperature and me trying to steal his body heat when we went to bed somehow resulted in sex. At least the headache went and I went from shivery and cold to a little warmer. There’s a cure for everything.

Before bed though, we adhered to our usual Monday ritual of having dinner in front of the TV, watching the car crash that is Made in Chelsea. Half way into the meal, B started to have a sniffle too, but he always gets one – along with sweating profusely – when he eats whatever I’ve cooked: chilli and garlic with some other ingredients, usually.

Last night’s episode was the usual cringe fest, but it’s my guilty pleasure and I watch it every week, and in between seasons I get excited when they start advertising the next one. So the little poison dwarf Louise has cheated on her miniature boyfriend – seriously, Alik is like a midget version of the Fonz, only his eyes are so freakishly close together I fear there must have been a veeeeery shallow gene pool in the Alfus household – know what I mean? So Midget Fonz and Poison Dwarf are having relationship issues, and the little orange poisonous one ended up saying that A) that she’d cheated on Midget Fonz was more painful for HER, as well as B) he KNEW what her personality was like when they started going out. So really, it was HIS fault and the real victim in all of this was indeed HER.

OK, so we always knew she was sluttier than a porn star on amphetamine, but what the fuck is going on with her eyes?! We’re already having to suffer her orange hue, but blue contact lenses? Honestly?

You know when you’re watching a scary movie, as in the kind that is just too twisted and freaky, where you end up watching from behind a cushion or through your fingers? It was sort of like that – I think I yelped out loud at least three times, yet I couldn’t stop myself watching.

The highlight was when Sam Thompson (Poison Dwarf’s mentally challenged younger brother – there HAS to be a diagnosis there, sweet Jesus) tried to kiss Lovely Lucy Watson’s not-quite-as-lovely-as-Lucy sister and her (quite rightly) flinching and then literally ducking to get away from him.

Well, at least now we know you’re a Watson.

That was actually quite funny. And especially for Sam, who did really well managing to remember the joke he’d probably been told to say by the producers. I didn’t think he had it in him. I mean, whatever little IQ he has, is probably required in its entirety just to stay upright and keep breathing.

Then of course you now have Serpent Victoria’s hapless (but very beautiful) side-kick Sophie, who is now suddenly mingling with the other girls after falling out with Serpent V. Having said that, nothing has changed much – it’s just now the other girls’ jokes and jabs she is laughing at and encouraging instead of Victoria’s. I wonder where the Serpent’s gone to? Perhaps undergoing an exorcism? Much needed – I’ve never witnessed anyone so utterly rotten to the core. Well, actually I have, but thankfully they’re not on TV.

Proudlock and his top knot are hitting new lows, I think he thinks he’s 50 Cent or something, all whassup-brother and what’s-happening-maaaan. Cringe. Mooby Dick (aka Spencer Matthews) has gone all boring, which I suppose is only natural as he’s now been through (or in, rather) all of the female cast. I kinda miss his pathetic ways, it was so much fun to watch a real life David Brent – I mean, he even looks like him! – on the screen, with all these airheads falling at his feet. Well, with the exception of Lovely Lucy Watson – how he ever managed to snag her is beyond me.

Oh God, is it really only Tuesday? Six whole days until we find out who Poison Dwarf shagged behind Midget Fonz’s back! I’m going to place a small bet that it was Mooby Dick who ended up between her seemingly constantly widely spread little legs, or that blond twat from One Direction that she slept with when she was going out with Andy Jordan.

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