When I started this blog in the summer, it really was a case of ‘morning pages’ – each morning I’d bounce up, put on some coffee and then head back to bed with my laptop and write. Somewhere along the line this changed, and since then it’s been quite random in terms of when I write. Most often it is the morning, but rarely first thing. I suppose the purpose of the morning pages was to get me in the flow of writing, by making my fingertips move across the keyboard and get used to just typing away without caring about the result, really just an exercise to get used to writing again and remove that dread I felt staring at the blank page. Something to remove the writer’s block. And it worked like a charm, so I suppose it’s no longer so important, although I intend to keep this blog going.
It’s 6:51am and B is in the shower, I’m back in bed and typing away. Reason?
Yesterday I ended up writing a bit about B’s Ex on here. It’s dragged on forever, and it’s not exactly every day we talk about her – it only tends to be in connection with something she’s said or done, or when there’s communication with the lawyers. At the end of last week B had some stuff sent to him by his lawyer and since then, she’s been on my mind every now and then. Perhaps that’s why I dreamt about her last night. Told B the moment we woke up, partly so I wouldn’t forget – normally, if I don’t verbalise what I’ve dreamt, it fades within minutes.
So, I dreamt we were at the place where they used to live, B and his Ex. Basically, the gist of it was that I went and said hello to her and she was all friendly and sweet (to be fair, this I imagine is probably accurate for anyone who’s not divorcing her or is the partner of someone who is). We ended up chatting, had cigarette breaks together, went to get some stuff for a BBQ (in the dream, a BBQ was organised for B’s youngest son) and so on. There was no real point to the dream, except me liking her.
But that’s not all that bizarre to me, as I’m sure I wouldn’t hate her on sight if we were ever introduced. It takes a lot for me to dislike people. In fact, I always see the best in people and situations and that has at times meant I’ve been disappointed. Anyway. A very unlikely scenario, of course, that I’d rock up where she lives, introduce myself and suggest a coffee and a cigarette. Still. And either way, just because she’s done some pretty horrific things during this rocky road to their divorce, doesn’t mean she’s an inherently evil person. Divorce proceedings don’t exactly bring out the best in people, although hers and B’s has gone on for longer than most celebrity divorces and probably cost as much. With the difference that there aren’t millions in the bank or custody for young children to fight over – it’s stretched out for completely unnecessary reasons, utterly pointless.
In the dream, I got to ask the one question that has had me so confused, saddened and bewildered over the past year and a half. I asked her why she’s doing all these things, why it’s gone this far. She said she didn’t want him to leave.
Well – just goes to show that this was Anna’s brain talking. Because that is precisely the only thing I can come up with as way of explaining her actions – that it’s all lashing out in anger because she didn’t want B to leave and now want to punish him; for leaving in the first place, then moving on faster than you can blink an eye and being happier as a result. Can’t blame her really, that would be hurtful for anyone, even though I don’t consider any of that an excuse to be so vile. Anything from revenge spending to the classic old fake pregnancy trick (which didn’t work out great as she’s in her late forties and also at that point they hadn’t slept together for a long time, so B said she ended up saying it was someone random she’d slept with), to downright nasty displays of hatred and bitterness.
I’m not going to lie – I’ve thought about her a lot over these past few days since B and I discussed things in light of the lawyer’s letter last week. Part of me wishes there was somebody who could reach out to her and help her, because the way it’s turning out, this mess she’s forced us all into is actually turning out worse for her than for anyone else. I picture her as panicked and desperate. Someone who in anger pushed things too far, and has now discovered that it’s all spun out of control, yet pride and another helping of panic means she doesn’t know how to pull back.
I may very well be wrong. She might be gloriously happy. Call me crazy though, but this I’m very sure of: her actions aren’t those of a happy person. I think my dream illustrated only what’s in my mind (as dreams do) – this woman who bewilders me, yet who is someone I feel very sorry for. Either way, thinking and wondering about what motivates her actions doesn’t do anyone any good, so I’m throwing that out with the other bad rubbish – good riddance, roll on January – and go back to focusing on those things I do understand and allow to rule me: love, empathy and kindness.