Today my mother turns 64. It’s staggering to think, given she doesn’t look a day over 50 – without Botox and facelifts, her forehead is smooth and men eye her up any time we’re out and about, this beautiful woman I can’t quite believe is my mum. She really is my best friend, as beautiful inside as she is on the outside – no wonder my father still has her on a pedestal. We all do.
B’s mum wanted to get in touch with her, and I was only too happy to oblige, so now the two are communicating and I know they’ll get on like a house on fire. Both teachers, both mums of large families and both into their cooking. It can only turn out great.
I’m working away on my lovely mother-in-law’s roots. Her grandfather emigrated from Norway to New Zealand, so I have enlisted a researcher to trace forward to find her present day relatives as a surprise for her. It might incur a cost, but I think seeing her face over Skype or in person – whatever it might end up being – will be worth every penny. Where her ancestors emigrated from way back when isn’t all that far from my native Torsby, and I have high hopes that we’ll find the present day Hansons, I cannot wait to make that introduction. My mother-in-law is the sweetest woman on the planet (bar my own mother who could easily give sugar a run for its money) so there’s nothing I’d love more than to do something like this for her.
Have been cleaning away today like crazy. Have B’s sons here for the weekend, so I want to make sure this place is as warm, festive and welcoming as I can possibly get it. I’ll ensure I put fresh flowers in my son’s bedroom where they’ll stay (my son’s with his dad) and I have stocked up on all the food and snacks you could possibly dream of, plus their presents are piled up underneath the Christmas tree. I do hope they walk in feeling we are SO incredibly glad to get to enjoy their company over the weekend. Their parents separated two years ago, so the situation is probably a little sensitive in many ways, but I hope I can show that A) we’re so glad to get to have them here, and also B) I’m aware that their mother may well be lonely and miserable and therefore show them I understand and respect that fact.
It’s funny, actually. I’m the most positive person you’ll ever meet in your life – it’s very rare to find me without this big smile on my face – but there is an enormous amount of anger within me because of B’s divorce situation. I hate that about myself. I hate that I have let it get to me and I hate that I have on occasion allowed the anger, bitterness, greed and venom of this woman to let me feel sad and frustrated. I don’t, in all honesty, know how to deal with it. I just plain do not know how, because her world is so far removed from mine:
Her world is a dark place, where she feels bitter and mean, where she feels short changed and mistreated. My world is this amazing place where no matter what I do or do not have, I feel happy and grateful just watching the sun rise. To relate to somebody like her is very difficult for me and I do struggle. Where I feel gratitude at whatever little I have (and trust me – what I have isn’t much!), she has everything handed to her but feels angry that it isn’t enough (really – her livingroom is probably the size of the whole flat we inhabit). If you go about life feeling angry and bitter, thinking the world is against you, it does soon actually start to take that shape.
What is so ridiculous (to me, at least) is that her behaviour seems so disproportionate to who B is. Not once has he deprived her, yet she has lied to him, conned him and even stolen from him where there was no justification for doing so. Shit, if I had an ex who was keen to see me looked after, would I behave that way? HELL NO! I’d be fucking grateful and thank my lucky star for having an ex so decent and wonderful. I don’t get it, but there’s no point mulling it over beyond concluding this woman has a severely screwed up set of morals (or none, rather) as well as some dark force within her that drives her to destroy, ruin and hurt others. It says a lot about her.
Yes, there is anger within me towards her behaviour (NOTE – not her, as such, just at what she does) and I hate how I sometimes allow myself to feel so angry about it. I do try to take a deep breath and not let it affect me, but every so often (too often, probably), I let myself get wound up by this bitter, spiteful and greedy bitch.