…and so life starts to feel more normal. No nasty surprises (or the threat of such) hanging over us anymore, just a clean(er) slate from which to build and move forward, finally. A huge weight has been lifted and I feel a sense of calm I didn’t even realise I was missing. I thought life was sweet before, but now it truly is just wonderfully bright and hopeful. Nothing can put a dampener on things now, not that this was ever the case – we were always invincible, but now more so than ever.
A very tired and drained B came home last night with a card, a bunch of roses and a bottle of Champagne. Oh, I know, he’s a good’un! A keeper if ever there was one and I ain’t letting him go, this beautiful best friend I have been blessed with. After going through hell, B was truly exhausted, yet relieved and much happier than I’ve seen him in a while – the past few weeks leading up to yesterday were stressful, even more so than the two years of fighting over financial settlement of his divorce that came before yesterday’s day in court. Thank God it’s all done now. Sure, there are still hoops to jump through, but there is certainty and clarity now and we can once and for all toast to closing that chapter.
And toast we did. I’d had a bucket sized glass of wine by the time B got home, and broken my no-smoking rule. Add a couple of glasses of bubbly, several more cigarettes and a couple of glasses of wine on top of that, and my run this morning should have been super crappy, but as soon as I’d run up the first little hill without gasping for breath, I realised one night off the wagon didn’t cause as much harm as I thought it would have. Almost 5k later I got back home not having stopped to walk even once. OK, so it wasn’t as easy as the 6k of three days ago, but I got round it, damnit! And I wasn’t dying either. Ker-pow! Invincible was the word, right?
I felt rotten last night when we had that last cigarette, couldn’t understand even as I was smoking it why I bothered and brushed my teeth for what must have been at least three times longer than I normally would to get the rotten taste out of my mouth. Pointless and I’m glad to be rid of it. I’m sure I’ll smoke when there’s wine involved at other times, but never again will I go back to smoking smoking. Haven’t felt like having one once today. Quitting in the first place was a piece of cake (uhm, OK, so I was rather grouchy the first few days but not like I was struggling – I think B and Monkey suffered more having to be around me, to be honest) so I feel ridiculously confident.
Over the next week I intend to make a serious dent in the rewrites of Alice – I’ve set my goal to have a revised first draft by the end of February. By ‘revised’ I mean taking into account the changes and suggestions by the editor, I’m not expecting to have it polished and submission ready. That part will be a tough process in itself and I don’t want to set my sights further than these smaller part goals.
Writing is a little bit like running. A novel and a half marathon. Only I get struck down by fear and apathy if I think of it that way, and instead I’m taking baby steps. Knowing I have the plot and characters nailed and about half of it written is enough to keep me motivated, just like managing to run 5k is enough to boost my confidence as well as getting those endorphins going. Once you’ve made a start and have some strong chapters nailed, the rest flows more easily. Just like once you can run 5k, the build-up to over four times that isn’t anywhere NEAR as daunting as starting from scratch.
Hm… And now that life is so utterly sweet, my biggest problem is what to have for dinner! I’m one lucky chick – don’t think for a moment that I don’t know it. Monkey’s still has his friend B over, and my B just came back in with them after a kick-around in the garden. Once the little terror (oh, this kid is deliciously naughty, yet so smiley and cute I can’t disapprove) has left, I’m going to head to the shop and get supplies for tacos. Yes, tacos is what I fancy. Yummmmmmm…..