Ribcages and Journeys

I’m a terrible flyer, so much so that I freak out when it isn’t even me – this time it’s B flying off to the US for a work conference, and I was falling apart. Yes, I know, it’s the safest way to travel and I also know it’ll be all fine, even with snow blizzard Juno moving in towards the east coast of America just as B will be flying in, but I freaked out nonetheless. I kissed this gorgeous man and felt my heart churning in my ribcage to the point that it was getting unbearable and I was struggling to contain the hurt it caused. Got outside with B and his suitcase and Monkey ready for school, and once again B leaned in, enveloped me in his strong arms and when he kissed me again I could no longer hold back the tears, feeling them spill over, as I was leaning back to welcome B’s kisses, and trickle downwards to my ears.

I told B to be safe, to have a good journey and tried to shield my pathetic tears as I left him there by the front gate as I went off with Monkey towards school. A little voice whispered inside my head to turn back, to take another look at B’s huge blue eyes like it’d be the last time but I couldn’t make myself. I knew I was being ridiculous.

Somewhere between Ant and Dec’s houses on the road down from ours, with pesky tears still spilling over despite my best efforts to stop them, Monkey pulled at my arm to stop. It was too late to conceal the fact that I was in bits, so I just clumsily wiped snot and tears on my coat sleeve and looked down into those eyes that are even bigger and bluer than B’s.

Come on, Mamma, you still have me,” Monkey told me and hugged me.

This gorgeous little man of mine, wrapped those little arms around me and told me to shape up.

I know, sweetie,” I hiccuped and cursed myself for subjecting my 10-yearold child to this display of utter ridiculousness, “I’m sorry.

I’ll miss him too but how about you get to smoke a cigarette and I get a game of Halo and no one will know?” Monkey asked, giving me another little squeeze and then looking up at me imploringly.

You’re a little sod and I will put you on ebay,” I replied.

Worth a shot,” he said and shrugged his shoulders, readjusting his school bag and walked off with me following, unable to suppress a giggle, “I’ll look after you, Mamma, B will be back soon and you’re just being silly.

I know, stinky-pants, but no more bloody Halo negotiations, seriously I’ve had my fill.

OK,” Monkey replied, somewhat deflated at this missed Halo opportunity he thought he had in the bag, then added “are you like this on Fridays when I’m with Daddy?”

Yep,” I told him honestly, “I feel this way and am this way every time I know you won’t be with me for a week.

Thought so.

Well, at least the manipulative little sod knows he’s important to me and that I’m miserable without him. And I don’t think it’s bad that he sees me upset about B being away. My son may have two homes and two sets of parents, but he is getting a front row seat watching what love should look like and I know this will set good foundations for the future, and priceless ones at that, no matter how many times he shouts BREAK IT UP at me and B whenever he catches us kissing. That’s more than some kids get, and my son has great role models – me, his Dad, his stepdad B and his stepmum S.

So there we are. I have my little man looking after me, which makes me just about the luckiest girl alive. I am about to take Bertie the Labradoodle for a walk, then go for a run and then sort out the apartment before collecting Monkey from school. Can’t deny I am dreading this evening – the first of FIVE – without B, don’t even want to think about it to be honest, but what doesn’t kill you…. The bit I’m dreading the most is Friday, because Monkey will be with his Dad then and it’ll be a long night without both my boys and THAT I’m not looking forward to. I might just bribe Monkey to sleep in our bed and sneakily cuddle up to him when he’s asleep. That, or I can go into his room and steal Rocky, the teddy my Mum and sister got for him when he was a week old, and who now sits on top of his bookshelf rather than sleeps in bed with Monkey.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll borrow Rocky!

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