Trendy Beards and Cider

OMG, that was the least relaxing experience of my life, bar for the time when my ex-husband got me a full body massage for my first Mother’s Day (I hate massages, mostly because I am ridiculously ticklish and cannot bear being kneaded like that – I spent the whole two hours wriggling around, yelping and giggling). B, the wonderful boyfriend, had looked up various things for us to do in Edinburgh and had found this Swedish restaurant called Hemma (translates as “at home”). We checked out at the hotel and left our suitcases there to head out to this place for lunch and hopefully a Rekordelig or two, and set off in a taxi, too hungover from last night’s hysterically funny evening to face what would have been a half hour walk according to Google Maps.

Got there, and I swear my already sore head got worse the moment I stepped in through the door. Loud music, kids running around and making a racket, dogs barking and some crazy French woman with the screechiest voice ever – a perfect storm of extraordinary chaos. We got allocated a table right in the middle of all this mayhem and were handed menus. We told the waiter that we just wanted a drink and would then decide whether we wanted to eat. Two minutes later, he came over to take our food order. No, we would just like to order a couple of drinks – Idun’s pear cider, to be precise – and then let him know if we’d like to eat. Two minutes later, he came back with said two Idun’s pear cider and asked us what we’d like to eat. Er…

NO, YOU ANNOYING FKN FK-WIT, CAN YOU JUST FKN LEAVE US BLOODY WELL ALONE FOR ONE FKN MINUTE YOU FKR, OR I WILL RIP THAT TRENDY FKN BEARD OFF YOUR FKN PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL FKN FACE AND MAKE YOU FKN EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!

After ten more minutes of sitting in what can only be described as bedlam, I’d gone from feeling quite hungover to feeling so stressed I’d started to feel a panic attack creeping up on me. The bass from the way-too-loud music was making me feel like everything was vibrating, the noise levels were ringing in my ears from unruly kids and dogs and even unrulier crazy French women, and I pleaded with B to just come with me outside. When we’d been asked for the fifth time within the space of a quarter of an hour to order food, I couldn’t take any more. We paid up, went outside with our delicious Idun’s pear ciders and I swear I have never found a busy main road so soothing.

What a shame. But it made for a good laugh, and our weekend in Edinburgh can only be described as magical. And Idun’s pear cider IS gloriously good.

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