As much as I was ready to walk away, make my peace with it and not let it affect me, I couldn’t and I wouldn’t and it did. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that if you allow something to eat away at you, eventually you’re going to be all chewed up inside. And perhaps that was me. The fall-out with my Dad has probably affected me more than anything else. As some time has passed and the dust has settled, we have been in touch somewhat regularly (although he only calls during working hours to avoid the wrath of his wife) and I think we both felt that we were over the worst.
However. I’m not a fan of faking it, and progressively the distance between us and the forced conversation started to grate. So I brought it up. Put it to him straight. He agreed – things are different, but we both said we hope it’ll slowly – with more time – go back to resemble what it once was, if not entirely.
Unfortunately, with bruised hearts, it’s not easy to just stay on topic and we soon ended up at a stale mate again. Me crying and Dad sounding more and more agitated. We hung up, not having resolved anything further, only establishing that we’re far from over what happened.
And now I have to face facts. I cannot control how my father sees me, no matter how much it hurts. I cannot force him to say nice things or have my back, nor can I beat apologies out of him. What I can control is how much I allow this to affect me, and the long and short of it is that I’m not going to afford this crap any more room in my life. As painful as it is, I have to move on from it. As infuriating as it is to not be acknowledged or heard when a wound has been inflicted, that could so easily be made better by just one little kind word, I will just have to focus on the positive things and accept that it’ll never happen.
Luckily there are countless positives in my life, so I’m going to do my best to never let mean spirited, small minded and outright blinkered people get to me again. So here’s when I fill an imaginary balloon with all that nonsense and I hereby let it float off somewhere. It might be out there somewhere, but I don’t need to see it or feel it. There are better uses of my time and energy and if you allow negativity to affect you, it’ll soon take over, and I refuse to let that happen.