Situations and Insanity

Argh! How I hate it when B’s away. Two mornings and another two to go, waking up only to realise that warm and toasty man beast isn’t there next to me. Hendrix, of course, ACCIDENTALLY slept in bed with me the first night, but last night her snoring got unbearable so I was all solo in the end. It sucks big time. As always, though, I’m focusing on the positives and at the end of this shitty week we’ll have all boys over along with the girlfriend of B’s oldest. Yay! Can. Not. Wait.

There are other good things too – the writing is literally bursting out of me to the point that I’m wearing the keys out on my laptop, and I also have an interview for one of the three jobs I applied for over the past few days. I’m staying away from the wine when B’s not here as I find it hard to stop when I start and it also kills my creativity, but have been less successful with the ciggies – only over the course of today I’ve probably smoked about ten. Not good, so will need to chuck those soon.

The situation with my father hasn’t improved, unfortunately – after seeing him being back to his normal, boisterous self in the summer, there is once again that distance between us and I think this is when I finally have to just let it go. I can’t control or determine how he sees me, but I can control how much I let it affect me and if I don’t let this go it’ll drive me insane, so now’s the time. It’s a weird thing, grieving your father when he is very much alive, but that’s what I have to do. The words I want to hear will never come and what I need will never be given to me, so it’s time to move on and do my best to concentrate on the positives.

B’s back on Thursday, so before then I need to give the flat a good clean, especially as we will have all kids over at the weekend. I am hellbent on making sure B’s sons in particular feel welcome, it’s so important to me that they always know they are wanted here. Perhaps start on my cleaning spree this afternoon – Hendrix likes to chew and pull at the livingroom rug and there are, as a result, bits of it all over the place. Little rat-bag.

I do feel lost without my baby though. Very lost and very lonely. Roll on Thursday, can’t wait to have him home and intend to cover him with kisses, leaving no part of him un-kissed. Gosh, is this what happens to all people when you finally fall in love with the one you were always meant for? Crazy. I swear I miss him so much it’s physically painful.


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