Loving gestures and number ones

Well, I’ll have to say I didn’t see that one coming. I’ve been dumped! Not by B, thank God, but by a friend. Or someone I thought was a friend. Now I realise my view of the world didn’t line up with hers when it comes to the friendship and I have to admit I feel pretty stupid, as in, I’m actually cringing at myself for being so bloody dumb.

Our friendship did start out weirdly, with an ever present tension that always left me feeling on edge and irritable any time we’d hung out, but we then got together and talked everything through and since then I only have good things to say. With the tension and weirdness gone, I loved hanging out with her and came away smiling and content every time as well as laughing lots and genuinely appreciating her and our friendship. And naively, I think I assumed she was in the same place. Less than two months ago, her husband e-mailed me to see if I might fit her into our wedding as it would mean a lot to her. So I did. And I have several friends who are closer and longer standing but who were bypassed when I gave this chick the role of my number one as a loving gesture towards someone who might need a confidence boost. Oh, and I adore her too, so it’s not like I gave the top spot to someone I don’t care for. Still, not entirely right, but my other friends can handle it and I structured it in a way that make everyone happy I thought. A week ago she contacts me to say let’s meet up and only two days ago we’re having a little exchange ending with xxxxxs and see-you-Friday as we were going to meet up today. Talk about blindsided, I’m absolutely gobsmacked.

I’m the worst for letting things go, so I’m already driving myself mad trying to go through and mentally fine comb recent conversations and exchanges like an obsessed and psychotic ex, in the hope of working out what has caused her to think the friendship is a load of bollocks in what to me seems like a pretty sudden manner.

Oh, and I got dumped by text. That was a pretty lovely touch too.

As per a previous post, I deleted my Facebook account completely a couple of weeks ago, and her text did start with “I see you have removed me”, which leads me to believe she thought I’d singled her out and callously cut her off. But that’s fair dos. However, we were in touch the day before so if she’d missed my last status update informing everyone I was taking the account down, why not call up and ask? That’s what I’d do. I’d be pissed off, sure, but I’d demand to know why if someone had been a good friend. Wouldn’t you? Actually, I did receive an e-mail from someone who wondered if I had removed them and wondered what my beef was. I explained, and phew, and then on to so-how-are-things.

But that’s not what gets my goat. It’s easy to draw quick conclusions, and that I have no issue with. What hurts is the line that followed. “I think our friendship has expired so let’s not bother with tomorrow” or something to that effect, can’t remember now exactly how she put it but it was pretty much like that. Really? Thank God this happened before I had to have the probably slightly awkward conversation with my actual best friends and explain why someone they’ve never even heard of will be at my side, not them, on my big day and them being placed with the general guest list. Hah! Blessing in disguise I suppose. She didn’t deserve that and therefore I am in a way grateful. Or imagine, even worse, her doing this u-turn AFTER the wedding bash. Pretty weird to have our wedding photos with the number one being someone who doesn’t actually want to be my friend?! In that respect, I suppose it’s better now than later.

And it proves to me that she didn’t care about being MY bridesmaid/top person, what mattered was to be A bridesmaid and I was an easy ride. That’s the humiliation, because when I offered it to her it was heartfelt and genuine. That kinda sucks.

Anyhow. After being informed by text our friendship is over, I did drop her an e-mail. I was completely honest and told her this came out of nowhere for me but that I obviously accept it if this is how she feels and I’m sorry to hear it. Tried to be very clear that it’s not mutual – well, it is NOW, because I don’t treat people like that and don’t expect to be treated in that way either – and I’d like to know what’s up, but was met by a wall of silence so I guess I’ve unceremoniously been shown the door. Gah! If at least she could tell me if it’s because she finds me to be an unbearable bitch – that’d be hurtful too, but not understanding is maddening.

Oh well. Friday evening will now belong to B and I. Never again will I allow that person into my life. Fool me once and all that. And this is now twice, so shame on me.

Onwards and upwards and here’s to the real friends we have – let’s take care of the ones who deserve our love.


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