Feeling very, very lost at the moment but hopefully I’ll figure out how to use the compass and navigate through it. I suppose it’s just life throwing me a curve ball – it rarely does, so I’ll just have to take this opportunity to really show my mettle and I know we’ll come out on the other side stronger, better and even happier, even though despite this difficult patch I find it hard to see how we could be more blessed than we already are. B and I are as strong as ever, but Monkey’s having some stuff to deal with and of course it being Monkey – my reason for being – it does take it out of me. Someone said, or perhaps I read it somewhere, that having a child (or children) is to hand your heart over. And that’s just it – Monkey has my heart. Everything he feels I feel a thousandfold. When he’s laughing, my heart sings. When he’s sad, it breaks. When he’s hurting, it stops.
He will be fine, I know that. The dust is settling, I’m turning myself inside out to ensure he has all the support, love and security he needs to process everything, and he’s a strong little person. He’s also so smart he sometimes frightens me and sees so much further than I expect him to sometimes. It’ll work out, just some kinks to iron out but it’ll all come good. Life always does.
But yes – very tired. A weird sort of tired. Sleeping badly because of course when I go to bed after struggling to keep upright during the day, anxiety comes a’knockin and wants to play. I’ve decided to be un-Anna about this though, so when the stone in my chest starts to form and give off claps of thunder and it’s all “oh hello again, 2006, how ya been?” I’m telling it to bugger off. Come see me some other time, perhaps the next time I need to fly somewhere, I’m sure I’ll manage to find time and energy to waste on you then. Not now. I’m also doing my best to let go of the things I can’t control in this. I can’t predict the unpredictable. Worrying will keep me busy but get me nowhere, much like a rocking chair, and completely pointless. All I can do is put all my love and energy to Monkey, be honest and decent and never lose sight of wanting the best for him no matter how it’ll affect me or anyone else. He is all that matters.
Well. To be honest this bump in the road was always going to appear and I think it’s positive in many ways that it happened now, if only a bit sooner than I expected. I hope it means there can be a way of repairing and rebuilding, but again I can’t control or predict the motives, wishes or intentions of others so if the chance is taken to put things right isn’t up to me. My hope they will remains however. And it’s also positive that Monkey, at the age of 12, has shown bravery and maturity that makes William Wallace look like a wimp. Monkey is an absolute hero. And I have told him countless times how proud I am of him for speaking his mind and standing up to unfairness. Awesome. There is a lot of anger there, a hardness I haven’t seen before, but if you bottle things up for a long time perhaps that’s just natural, that once you find your strength it almost overwhelms you with its sheer ferocity. So I do my best to remind him to remain the bigger person here and be the one to show what kindness, compassion and forgiveness look like. So far it’s been met by an appalling response but Monkey is very clear sighted about it and has said he won’t ever turn out to mirror behaviour he has been exposed to (I told you he’s smart) and instead see it as an example of how not to be. If he can keep focusing on that, he’s not got far to go.
Bloody hell, I don’t feel like ME! I’d almost forgotten what it feels like to be this worried and anxious. Hold on… No, those weren’t the desirable feelings, remember. Strong and calm!! I can do it. I’m Mama Grizzly Bear. Hurt my cub and I’m scared of no one. I’m a good’un though – door’s open and so is my mind. But pull some crap and think I’m the bullied, scared, weak little wreck of ten years ago? What can I say, I found my strength too. And I suppose that’s the biggest positive that came from the same direction for both Monkey and I – we both learned how strong we are and it happened because we had to be. And maybe that’s a great gift.
So yes, some dark clouds in the sky right now, but I know that above them it is still blue and the sun is shining. There is as always so much to be grateful for and I know that we’ll all be good. Thank God for B and thank God for Monkey. In the grand scheme of things, no matter how crap this may be right now, we are all very lucky. And a solution is just around the corner, I know it.