Cayenne pepper and Beelzebub

My stint on the Master Cleanse lasted all of half a day. I actually thought it sounded quite nice: filtered water, freshly squeezed lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. I don’t have a sweet tooth so the syrup did concern me, however the idea of cayenne pepper giving it all a bit of a kick cheered me up and I honestly thought it might be pretty damn delicious. How wrong I was.

The small sip I tried in the evening before B and I were to start the Master Cleanse and had prepared the lemonade did not accurately demonstrate what drinking a couple of litres of it might be like. It wasn’t nice but it wasn’t gross either. How wrong I was.

Day 1, whoo!

Here we go. B handed me my glass as I was putting on mascara and I decided to apply my default drinking style and neck it. So I did. And gagged. In the interests of accuracy and honesty I can reveal that this concoction is the urine of Satan. That’s genuinely what it tastes like. It looks like it too, or would do if Satan was really dehydrated and possibly also suffered from some sort of kidney complaint. I don’t know if it’s the maple syrup or the cayenne pepper that’s at fault here, can’t quite work it out. But hey, I’m not a quitter… Actually, that’s a filthy lie – I’m totally a quitter, I quit everything, I quit so much and so often I make quitting seem committed. Anyway, that’s not the point. I was, despite having consumed the waste product of the devil himself, still pretty motivated so I just figured I’d take small sips throughout the day as opposed to gulping down large quantities.

Mid-morning at work my stomach made a rumbling noise so I reached for the bottle, as it were. Slowly, slowly, I gingerly took five little sips. Nope. There it was immediately, the nausea and I had to keep very still and take deep, slow breaths for a minute or so to stop myself from retching. In conclusion, this cannot be done – anyone with taste buds will NOT be able to do this cleanse. It’s inhumane. And I’m not even referring to the fact that you’d be starving for the 10 days.

For dinner we shared a pizza.

Day 2.

I have started the day with a Frappé that I suspect – given its sweet taste – had some sugary goo added to it but it was still quite nice. And an egg and bacon roll. So far, I’d say the cleanse thing is going so-so. I think at this stage we can conclude that I won’t be losing a few pounds for the wedding, but that was never the intention anyway. I’m actually really quite keen to do a cleanse as for this precious f*cking once it wasn’t my motivation that failed me, so I’ll pop into Holland and Barrett on my way home. There’s bound to be a palatable alternative to Beelzebub’s piss, n’est-pas?


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