Maseratis and keeling over

My problem: unless I am under enormous pressure and have Satan breathing down my neck, I am the laziest and most unmotivated chick you’ll ever meet in your life. And this is just it – my life is too damn comfortable. It’s just too easy for me to bob along, have everything come easy, live the good life and just enjoy doing cool stuff with my husband and son. Don’t get me wrong – I am so happy it’s just… …STUPID. It’s really quite ridiculous. Then again, joy is my default setting, I get it from my dad I think (the guy is  unbearably cheerful) and it just seems to be my nature to look on the bright side of life. Now, that’s not a bad thing. I’m just saying.

So I wake up every morning feeling happiness and gratitude, and how could I not? I’m truly blessed. No, I haven’t bought a Maserati yet (a GranCabrio in midnight blue, per favore), nor do I own a holiday home on Waihi Beach (YET!) but that’s just a matter of time and until then I have everything I could ever possibly need or want as things stand. But what I have discovered is this: as wonderful as it is to be emotionally fulfilled and have these two (B and Monkey) along with living where we live, blessed with amazing friends and family and have the life that we do, I need something else to fire me up. Hence I have hit a point where I feel incredibly restless and a little flat. I need a focus, goals… ….what I need is PRESSURE! I want to achieve. It’s one thing to strive to be a good person (and for the large part I believe I am), to be kind and empathetic and so on, but I think we all to some extent want to do well beyond our personal qualities whether it be having expert knowledge in some field or coming home each day knowing we really made a difference somehow. Just be able to say: “I did that”!

Before I met B I spent some years as a single mother in this insanely expensive city that is Londinium, so I know what I can be and achieve when I’m under tremendous amounts of pressure and stress to make things work. I know that I am a BADASS when I have to be.

There it is! When I HAVE to be.

So, the time has come to set some goals and targets and form a plan for the near future. B and I have been together for four years and a few months (and yes, we still celebrate every month – we just celebrated 51 months – cheesy, eh) and so we are ready for the next stage. These first few years were building stones and we’re currently cruising on a comfortable plateau having last year bought a home and this year got hitched.

My goal: in two years from now make a nice little income from making jewellery (I will in three month’s time be able to call myself a silversmith, and after that a Diploma course awaits and progressing on to more precious metals and stones) and the rest of the time focus on writing. That should nicely bring me back into an existence where I once again feel productive, that I’m achieving and that I’m doing something really worthwhile. That and getting super fit! I think at 41 I’m still at a stage where I am probably able to achieve something pretty awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I like ME, but I’m curious to see if I could go a little drastic and tickle the fitness fanatic in me (if that fanatic exists – perhaps I’ll just discover that I just LIKE exercise but won’t LOVE massive amounts of it). I don’t intend to turn bodybuilder or aim for no body fat or be a size zero or anything stupid like that, but just see what I might be able to do within reasonable limits. After a summer spent celebrating, my first two runs this week felt like death. Actually, they were not as bad as I thought it’d be but death nonetheless. I know it won’t take long though and hopefully in the next couple of weeks I’ll be able to run, say, 5k without keeling over. We’ll see. It’s a start.

Our goal: we’ve set up a budget, which was pretty scary as it showed not only how much we could (and should!) save without forsaking random trips, holidays, nice clothes and several date nights every month, it also showed how we fritter money away like it’s confetti. So a bit more focus and if we just hold back a LITTLE – honestly, there are no big changes required, just a few small adjustments – we should with good margin be able to buy a decent holiday home in Sweden within five years should we choose to. I’m more keen on NZ, but no need to decide. Who knows what, when or even if – all we know is that if we just keep to this little plan, the ‘how’ isn’t going to be an issue.

For now, I will continue to appreciate a lovely Plan B job that I do enjoy and that the people I work for are lovely so there is – as I said before – no reason for me to complain, I simply don’t have anything to complain about, but I just need stuff to happen! I’m no good at this cruising phase we find ourselves in. What to be careful about also is how fired up I get starting things off – I’m so awesome at that bit! What career would allow me to do that? Be the proverbial firestarter? Anyway, it’s applying the plan, follow it and stick at it I suck at. Feeling very, very determined so time will tell… It usually does.


Bad Dreams and Good Riddance

When I started this blog in the summer, it really was a case of ‘morning pages’ – each morning I’d bounce up, put on some coffee and then head back to bed with my laptop and write. Somewhere along the line this changed, and since then it’s been quite random in terms of when I write. Most often it is the morning, but rarely first thing. I suppose the purpose of the morning pages was to get me in the flow of writing, by making my fingertips move across the keyboard and get used to just typing away without caring about the result, really just an exercise to get used to writing again and remove that dread I felt staring at the blank page. Something to remove the writer’s block. And it worked like a charm, so I suppose it’s no longer so important, although I intend to keep this blog going.

It’s 6:51am and B is in the shower, I’m back in bed and typing away. Reason?

Yesterday I ended up writing a bit about B’s Ex on here. It’s dragged on forever, and it’s not exactly every day we talk about her – it only tends to be in connection with something she’s said or done, or when there’s communication with the lawyers. At the end of last week B had some stuff sent to him by his lawyer and since then, she’s been on my mind every now and then. Perhaps that’s why I dreamt about her last night. Told B the moment we woke up, partly so I wouldn’t forget – normally, if I don’t verbalise what I’ve dreamt, it fades within minutes.

So, I dreamt we were at the place where they used to live, B and his Ex. Basically, the gist of it was that I went and said hello to her and she was all friendly and sweet (to be fair, this I imagine is probably accurate for anyone who’s not divorcing her or is the partner of someone who is). We ended up chatting, had cigarette breaks together, went to get some stuff for a BBQ (in the dream, a BBQ was organised for B’s youngest son) and so on. There was no real point to the dream, except me liking her.

But that’s not all that bizarre to me, as I’m sure I wouldn’t hate her on sight if we were ever introduced. It takes a lot for me to dislike people. In fact, I always see the best in people and situations and that has at times meant I’ve been disappointed. Anyway. A very unlikely scenario, of course, that I’d rock up where she lives, introduce myself and suggest a coffee and a cigarette. Still. And either way, just because she’s done some pretty horrific things during this rocky road to their divorce, doesn’t mean she’s an inherently evil person. Divorce proceedings don’t exactly bring out the best in people, although hers and B’s has gone on for longer than most celebrity divorces and probably cost as much. With the difference that there aren’t millions in the bank or custody for young children to fight over – it’s stretched out for completely unnecessary reasons, utterly pointless.

In the dream, I got to ask the one question that has had me so confused, saddened and bewildered over the past year and a half. I asked her why she’s doing all these things, why it’s gone this far. She said she didn’t want him to leave.

Well – just goes to show that this was Anna’s brain talking. Because that is precisely the only thing I can come up with as way of explaining her actions – that it’s all lashing out in anger because she didn’t want B to leave and now want to punish him; for leaving in the first place, then moving on faster than you can blink an eye and being happier as a result. Can’t blame her really, that would be hurtful for anyone, even though I don’t consider any of that an excuse to be so vile. Anything from revenge spending to the classic old fake pregnancy trick (which didn’t work out great as she’s in her late forties and also at that point they hadn’t slept together for a long time, so B said she ended up saying it was someone random she’d slept with), to downright nasty displays of hatred and bitterness.

I’m not going to lie – I’ve thought about her a lot over these past few days since B and I discussed things in light of the lawyer’s letter last week. Part of me wishes there was somebody who could reach out to her and help her, because the way it’s turning out, this mess she’s forced us all into is actually turning out worse for her than for anyone else. I picture her as panicked and desperate. Someone who in anger pushed things too far, and has now discovered that it’s all spun out of control, yet pride and another helping of panic means she doesn’t know how to pull back.

I may very well be wrong. She might be gloriously happy. Call me crazy though, but this I’m very sure of: her actions aren’t those of a happy person. I think my dream illustrated only what’s in my mind (as dreams do) – this woman who bewilders me, yet who is someone I feel very sorry for. Either way, thinking and wondering about what motivates her actions doesn’t do anyone any good, so I’m throwing that out with the other bad rubbish – good riddance, roll on January – and go back to focusing on those things I do understand and allow to rule me: love, empathy and kindness.